Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Layers

Courtesy of the Brave Girls Club.

Dear Gutsy Girl

As life moves forward and we begin to be fair and compassionate and kind with ourselves, we begin to see how very complex we are, how many layers of memories and emotions and dreams and longings and fears and limitations and magnificence that are woven into our life stories. Knowing this helps us to be even more fair and compassionate with ourselves.

For the sake of soul-deep peace, it is such a beautiful way of being, sweet friend, to also look to every person in your life the same way, to every person alive! Everyone has layers and layers and layers in his or her story. Everyone has experiences that we can not see, has fears and hurts and magnificence that we can not see. Everyone is working through something big at every moment that we can not see. Knowing this and remembering this helps us to be even more fair and compassionate with others.

Because of our beautiful layers in all of our stories, a beautiful way to live is to simply forgive, don’t take things personally and try to always imagine that others are doing the best they can in their own personal battle. As you go along, give yourself the same grace. To forgive others quickly and thoroughly and to forgive yourself will bring real, lasting peace. Life can be so joyful when we live this way.

And your life was meant to be joyful all along.

You are so very loved.
xoxo

Friday, April 26, 2013

Crash mode

I've talked about protection and preparation mode in a past post.  It is something I do when I know I will be doing something outside of my norm...visitors at my house, being around a large-ish group of people, etc.  There is also the crash mode.  It is actually very similar to protection and preparation mode.  The difference is that it just happens, without warning, because of what has happened in the recent past.  This can be pushing myself too much with different and new experiences, not adequately preparing (and protecting) myself prior to such changes. 

To me, PPM (protection and preparation mode - just named it, hahaha) is a positive step.  It is proactive.  It might be a crutch but I would much rather call it a coping mechanism.  PPM requires me to take active steps towards increased success when I'm going to do something that typically causes issues for me with my depression and/or anxiety. 

On the other hand, CM (crash mode) is a result.  It's more so negative because it tends to interfere with me having a normal life.  It is also something to note because when CM hits, I then know I need to review the past several days to see what was different so I can discover what it was that triggered the CM.  There aren't always triggers; depression or anxiety get you in their claws and have their way with you.  It is part of the journey I am on while living with depression. 

When I know what triggers me to have issues, I can prepare for them adequately.  When I don't, I hit CM and realize I need to do what I can to prepare for such instances in the future.  It's a teaching moment for myself.  It's all about the process and figuring out the aspects of my life.

Anyway, today was a CM.  I had plans with Li to go for lunch.  I also had a number of things to get accomplished today because the weekend is full.  Didn't do a thing.  Slept a great deal.  Cried and shut down for a bit.  It affected my life.

Why?

Well, I'm no June Cleaver and I've kind of been trying to be her for the past couple of days.  I have stopped short of donning a 1950s dress and bringing my husband a drink, his pipe, and his slippers upon his arrival from a long, hard day of work.  But I was trying to be this perfect wife and mother.

On Wednesday, the kids came out to stay with us.  It's a rare treat to have them here during the week while they are actually in school.  With the exception of summer, our visits with them are typically weekends, school breaks, and holidays.  We also had my step daughter's friend staying with us while her parents were out of town. 

So I cleaned.  And made real meals.  And participated in nightly, family bonding time.  Wore my happy smile and pretended as though all was fine and dandy.  It was, for the most part.  Then today hit and my brain called me on my bullshit and shut down. 

I am a good wife and I am a good (step) mother.  But I am my version of these titles, not those of someone else.  I'm not perfect and I don't smile all the time.  I'm not crazy perky or all happy happy.  I am usually true to my authentic self and put on no airs when I'm in my home.  (Still occasionally don those masks for moments when it is necessary to be someone else just so I can survive.)

So I take this lesson and learn from it.  I apply what I know to how I need to be. 

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

5 simple exercises for managing anxiety

From the website Psych Central.  These are all good tips and I've heard all of them before.  Still, a refresher doesn't hurt and by making sure they are added to my blog, I know that I can find them in the future.  And you never know who they might help out.  

Even as I love the autumn season, it is full of anxiety for me.

I start to mourn the ending of summer when I hear the cicadas grow louder the last two weeks of August and when I feel the crispness in the air at that time, which brings less sunlight and longer nights. Then the back-to-school craze: buying shoes, supplies, backpacks, etc. and trying to catch up on the homework we didn’t do during June and July. By the time I make it to the parent-teacher conferences in early September, when I hear about all the things I’m supposed to be doing with the kids, I’m well into panic mode.

Yesterday my therapist and I talked about a few coping exercises to keep my anxiety from disabling me this time of year.

1. Pick a sound or object to be your Xanax.
My therapist looks up to the clouds. They calm her down in traffic or whenever she feels anxious. For me it’s the water. I don’t now if it’s because I’m a Pisces (fish), but the water has always calmed me down in the same way as Xanax, and since I don’t take the latter (as a recovering alcoholic, I try to stay away from sedatives), I need to rely on the former. So I just downloaded some “ocean waves” that I can listen to on my iPod when I feel that familiar knot in my stomach.

2. Repeat: “I am good enough.”

My therapist reminded me this morning that even if I don’t meet other people’s standards or my own, I am good enough for myself. And that’s all that really matters. So whenever I feel the pinch of anxiety when I don’t have time to call back a friend or send a response to an email or write the blog post that I said I’d write, I should remind myself that I am good enough for me.

3. Take it one minute at a time.

One cognitive adjustment that helps relieve anxiety is reminding myself that I don’t have to think about 2:45 pm when I pick up the kids from school and how I will be able to cope with the noise and chaos when I’m feeling this way, or about the boundary issue I have with a friend–whether or not I’m strong enough to continue putting myself first in that relationship. All I have to worry about is the very second before me. If I am successful at breaking my time down that way, I usually discover that everything is fine for the moment.

4. Pay attention to your breath.

Another easy exercise to ground yourself in the moment and manage anxiety is to concentrate on your breath–and move it ever so gradually from your chest to your diaphragm–because the extra oxygen will send a message to your prefrontal cortex that every thing is just fine even though the fear center of the brain (the amygdala) doesn’t think so at all.

5. Learn from it.

Anxiety doesn’t have to be triggered by an event, but it certainly can motion some adjustment that you need to make in your life. My anxiety says that I am doing too much, once again. Over the summer I forgot about my fragile chemistry and attempted to work full time and take care of the kids full time until, in August, I was going on fumes. What adjustments do I need to make? Bite off less professionally and invest more energy into finding good help for the kids and housework. Because I can’t do it all.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The little things

I'm blessed to have such supportive friends and family members.  I know that I'm lucky to have that from the people I love the most.  But it is the little things they do for me, or say to me, that make such a huge impact on my everyday life. 

This was in a text from Li:

"If you frequently lose your car keys, that's stress.  If you don't know what to DO with car keys, that's Alzheimer's."  An awesome reminder that everyday forgetfulness is totally normal.

Made my night and eased some of my fears/worries about getting Alzheimer's. 

Monday, April 22, 2013

Half

I'm on my second day of the decreased Wellbutrin dosage of 75 mg.  Eight more days to go until I get to stop taking it completely.  And that's it. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

TWLOHA

To Write Love On Her Arms is a cause that is very near and dear to my heart.  It is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire, and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

In the future, I hope to be able to do more with the movement.  As of right now, I follow their progress and do what I can within my own life to promote their organization and awareness.  It's the least I can do for a cause that affects me so greatly.


Saturday, April 20, 2013

Just my mind



You are NOT what has happened to you

Dear courageous girl,

Sometimes things happen in life that are completely out of our control that strip us of our self esteem, confidence, and hope. Often these things continue to taint us and put a stain on our lives for years and years, until they distort the truth of who we really are, until we actually start believing the lies that come along with these kinds of experiences.

You are NOT what has happened to you, no matter what the circumstances surrounding the situation. There is NEVER anything that you o or did that makes you deserve to be treated badly, to be abused, or to have horrible things happen to you at the hands of another.

If you are caught up believing a lie that says that you will never overcome, you will never be the same, you will never be able to move past it, especially that you somehow deserve it or brought it on yourself, please stop, beautiful friend. PLEASE STOP.

You are precious, beautiful, and pure. Your life matters SO MUCH. YOU matter so much. Whatever has happened to you that has tried to blow out that light in your soul, don't ever believe that there's not a flame anymore. YOU are still in there. You are healing and overcoming and becoming every ay. You are incredible!! You are BRAVE!! You can do this. YOU CAN.

See the beautiful truth of who you really are, and tell yourself over an over again. Throw out the lies today.

We love you so much.

xoxo

Friday, April 19, 2013

Herbal remedies for anxiety

A friend of mine shared this on Facebook.  It is from the website Nature Hacks.

Anxiety often robs a person of the normal joys and pleasures of life. So much focus may be placed on the things which cause anxiety that it can be difficult for those who suffer from anxiety disorders and panic attacks to relax and enjoy their employment, their family or their friends. Thankfully, there are a number of herbal remedies and alternative therapies available to help reduce anxiety and restore full enjoyment of life.

There has been a good deal written about Kava. In fact, research has shown that it is an effective treatment for anxiety; however there are grave concerns regarding the safety of Kava. It has been connected with liver failure and more research is needed to guarantee its safety. In 2002 the Federal and Drug Administration (FDA) issued strong warnings about the use of Kava and some countries have banned its use altogether.

Even though the safety of Kava is in question, there are other herbal remedies that have been proven both safe and effective in treating anxiety disorder and panic attacks.
 

Passionflower:
This central nervous system depressant provides an overall feeling of calm. It is ideal for use both during the day and in the evening when sudden anxiety may set in or when waking from a nightmare. Passionflower also helps with anxiety-related conditions like insomnia and gastrointestinal disorder. A word of warning though for those using a MAO inhibitor: Speak first with a trusted medical professional before taking passionflower.
 

Valerian:
Probably the best known of all the anti-anxiety herbals, valerian impacts a person in much the same way as Valium, but without the side-effects and addictive qualities. Valerian relaxes the muscles making it easier to sleep and is therefore ideal for those looking to improve the quality of rest they get each night.
 

Lemon Balm: Another safe and effective herbal remedy for anxiety disorders and panic attacks. Lemon balm is known to reduce anxiety and improve sleep.
 

Green Tea:
Brimming with antioxidants this herbal remedy is known to reduce signs of aging, aide in weight loss, improve heart health, boost the immune system, and even protect against cancer. In addition, green tea contains Theanine which is proven to be both safe and effective at reducing stress and relieving anxiety.

Disappointing people

Dearest Shanda,

I know how you worry about disappointing people. You have a kind heart, so of course you don't want to hurt anyone. Your compassion and empathy are precious gifts that keep your heart sensitive and open to the suffering of others.

But the way you worry about disappointing people will also be your undoing if you don't stop trying to please everybody.

Darling, don't you understand your only job in life is to please me, to be true to the essence of who you are, to live your life in alignment with my truth?

Don't you realize that sometimes, disappointing people is an act of radical self care?

It's not selfish. It's not narcissistic. It's strong but necessary medicine.

Never, ever disappoint yourself, my sweet.

Here with a heaping helping of the medicine you need,

Your Inner Pilot Light

Thursday, April 18, 2013

The next step, medication-wise

I was able to speak to my doctor today.  Well, not really.  I called and spoke to his nurse.  She relayed the message to him, checked over the notes and dictation and then called me back.  I'm cleared to stop the Wellbutrin.  Apparently Wellbutrin is not one of the medications that you just stop taking.  I'm supposed to take half a tab (75 mg) for 10 days before I stop taking it completely.  Since my meds are set up through Saturday, I will just start the new dosage on Sunday.  On May 1, I will be done with taking the Wellbutrin. 

I'm curious to see how this will affect me.  My hope, obviously, is that I'm going to get through this foggy feeling that so isn't working for me.  Will definitely be tracking this.

Other than that, nothing much here.  I did let my two main/interactive pagan groups (online) that I would be taking a hiatus.  Lots of support offered up and a great deal of understanding.  I mentioned that I would more than likely still be around but really couldn't be counted on to commit to much - chats, projects, work, etc.  It also snowed and I love snow. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Not afraid to try

Last night, my husband and I were talking about my blog post on trying.  He is incredibly supportive and I am so very thankful for that.  After much discussion, I can to the realization that I'm not afraid to try.  And I'm not afraid to try and fail.  What I am afraid of is the potential consequences to trying and/or trying and failing.

It is a nice realization.  I don't need to work up the courage to try.  I need to figure out how to deal with a possibility.  But it is a huge and immensely terrifying possibility.  I'll just keep trying to improve and get past my fears. 

P.S.  I did call the doctor today but it is his day off.  I will call back tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Accurate picture of me today

The day has not improved. 

I'm still in that indescribable funk of depression and despair.

I didn't call the doctor.

Here's to the hope that tomorrow will be better...or at least not worse.

Something has to give soon. 

There must be a break.

I just hope that it isn't me who breaks.

Indescribable

I cannot explain what is going on in my head right now.  The words won't come to me.  Descriptions are not possible.  I just know that it isn't good.

The difficult thing is that it also isn't bad.  I'm not suicidal.  I'm not hibernating in my bed, avoiding the world and all responsibilities.  I'm not any more bitchy or temperamental than what has become typical of me.  I'm still functioning...for the most part.

But there is this dark cloud over me.  It's like I'm swimming through sludge at something less than a snail's pace.  My thoughts are muddled and mixed up and they make no sense to me most of the time.  When they do, in that brief, flickering moment, I snag an ounce of clarity before it drifts away.  I have virtually no attention span rendering focusing on any given task for more than a few moments impossible.  It's taken me nearly an hour just to write this post.  I keep getting distracted and drawing a blank and falling into some random thought process that doesn't seem to even involve actual thoughts. 

I'm going to call my doctor today. I'm going to ask to drop the Wellbutrin just to see how that goes. And then? I don't know. The next steps rely on what the doctor has to say.

Until then, I'm just going to do my best to keep it together.  I really do feel like one move, one thought, one moment could shatter me into a million pieces.  I don't want that to happen.  It simply can't happen because I don't know if I will be able to pick up the pieces, much less put them back together to resemble something even remotely like me. 

The benefits of cuddling



Monday, April 15, 2013

To try or not to try...is that even a question?

"You won't know until you try."

"Just give it a try."

"It doesn't hurt to try."

"What have you got to lose?"

We say the above statements all the time. They are meant to prod and encourage. It's a motivator in a sense. It is said to remind others that trying is acceptable and that it's okay if you don't succeed or win or finish or whatever. And that's true and a good attitude to possess.

But...

What if trying does more harm than good? What if you put yourself out there and the result is best labeled as an epic failure? Should you still try it?

It's a contradiction. I'd tell my step kids and my husband and my friends to give it a shot. For many things in my own life, I would be hearing the inner dialogue prompt me to try. After all nothing ventured is nothing gained. Right?

However if venturing not only doesn't gain anything but also sets you back or renders you helpless or defeats your will and soul and introduces paralyzing anxiety back into your life and turns you into a zombie-like shell where even your husband cannot find a flicker of light in your eyes, much less the woman he fell in love with and destroys every bit of sanity you possess and flings you so far down into a pit of despair and depression that you cannot even see the light at the opening of the pit much less return to it...

*gulp of air*

...should you still try?

For me, it comes down to fear. Plain and simple. I know "what ifs" aren't worth fretting over. I do know that. I'm keenly aware of that. I preach it to others and to myself. But still, I fret.

So much to lose and so much to gain. Does the want of what could possibly be gained trump the terror of what could possibly be lost? Is one "worth" more than the other? How to you place value on a potentially better life? And how do you decide if said value is greater than the value of sanity and positive mental health?

Do I try?

(I love this song - "Try" by P!nk.  The song is about love, but the chorus and last verse can be about anything.  They ring true for me.) 

Coolness

I'm on the blogroll for Blog For Mental Health 2013!!

I think it's super cool.

See it here.  (It's in alphabetical order so head to the "r" area - The roller coaster life.)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Blog for Mental Health 2013

I pledge my commitment to the Blog For Mental Health 2013 Project.  I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others.  By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health.  I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.

Thanks to Anxiety Adventures for introducing me to this campaign and even more thanks to Canvas of the Minds for maintaining this incredible movement.  I also have to express extreme gratitude to Lulu at Sunny with a Chance of Armageddon for having the original vision to make this happen.


By taking this pledge, I have agreed to write a short biography of my mental health and what this means to me.  So here it is:

For the first time in a long time, I have hope.  It's sometimes very close, almost close enough to grab, and other times it is so far off in the distance that I can barely see it.  But I know it is there.

Depression has impacted my life for 16 years, 14 of those being diagnosed.  It's been a constant battle with failures and victories.  Many medications and numerous treatment options have been experimented with to varying degrees of success.  But right now, while I'm perhaps at one of the most uncertain and terrifying times in my process, I have hope that I may beat this into submission so I can fully live my life the way I know I can and should.

This campaign and my blog are important to me.  I use my blog to share information that I've found about dealing with mental illness.  I share my own experiences, bring out my demons and show them to the world, and use it as a means of recording my journey.  It is also a place for me to come and write about anything.  I have also created a safe space for me where I can work through my thoughts and feelings.  The campaign is amazing.  It's nice to know that others out there really want to help those dealing with mental health issues by sharing their own stories.

I'm also supposed to pledge 5 other bloggers.  I cannot.  I do read some blogs and check around, but this blog is mostly for me.  I have directly invited many close friends and family members to view my blog, not asking for any sort of comments or commitments.  I know of some who read it faithfully, some who have never looked at it.  I know it has struck a chord of familiarity for one person and provided insight to another. 

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

How to deal with depression and relieve stress and anxiety

This is from KB at KtotheB.com.  It's a great video and really makes you think.  The main concepts are from Byron Katie, who has some amazing information on her website.

When you have thoughts enter into your mind, ask yourself these four questions so that you may further examine your thoughts:
  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
  3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without that thought?

Monday, April 8, 2013

10 tips

This article appeared on the blog Tiny Buddha.  They are ten tips to help relieve depression and heartache.  It's a nice list so I wanted to share it.  This is only part of the article so if you want to read the entire thing, go here.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” ~Johann Von Goethe
The 10 “T”s to help relieve depression and heartache:

1. Trust yourself and the universe.
2. Touch other people’s lives by sharing your personal story.
3. Therapy sessions are like taking an inner journey.
4. Treat yourself (and others) with respect and compassion.
5. Tear down those walls that you have built up saying that you are not good enough.
6. Thank the universe or your higher power for keeping you healthy, safe, and alive.
7. Tea and other hot drinks (not coffee) are calming.
8. Trying new things is fun.
9. Traveling can be therapeutic, relaxing, and stimulating.
10. Taking risks and chances is crucial to find a sense of purpose.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

A day in my head



War in my mind

I know I've written about my fear of getting Alzheimer's and why my increased forgetfulness only boosts that fear into an almost terror.  Combine that with the also increased episodes of blanking when having conversations and we're just a tiny hop from full terror. 

To me, it seems that I used to have an incredible memory.  True, I could remember certain events a certain way while someone else recalled the incident in a completely different manner, but I did remember things.  My long-term memory is good to excellent.  My short-term memory is okay to good.  But my, I'm going to call it "immediate-term" memory, usually fails me. 

Immediate-term memory is when you have a thought pop into your head during a conversation and politely wait for the next pause to jump in and share it.  It can be 2 seconds or 2 minutes before that pause, and you start to speak and... nothing.  Your mind hits the delete key and you have no idea what you wanted to say. 

Another immediate-term memory issue is going to look something up online only to open your browser and go completely blank.  You sit there, hands on the keyboard, and stare at the screen.  Your mind races as it scrambles to remember.  Perhaps you start to mentally retrace the last several moments, hoping that something will trigger your memory and enable you to do what you had planned.

Or you walk into a room with the intention of getting something - a book - or doing something - feeding your dogs - and you stop, dead in your tracks and have a brief moment of panic as you ponder why you came into this room.  More than likely, you look around and hope that something pops out and you have that aha moment of remembering.  You might return to the place from where you have just come, willing that to jump-start your brain. 

This has been happening to me more and more lately. 

Sometimes I remember in a few moments, sometimes I'm about to fall asleep and recall what I'd wanted to say.  There are also times that it seems as though the thought/the act/the plan has completely vanished from my radar.  I still know that I'd had an intention but drive myself a bit crazy as I still cannot remember what it was. 

It is frustrating.

And scary.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Prescription plan

Late next week or early the week after, I will be contacting the doctor.  The meds aren't really making much of a difference one way or the other.  The only noticeable improvement since September was the first prescription when I went from not being on meds to being on them.  Adding the Wellbutrin seemed to make things a little bit worse - my good days were fewer and my bad days were more common.  It wasn't a huge difference or dramatic or in need of reporting. 

Since the current cocktail isn't helping me to be where I want to be and to where I know I can be, I'm curious about the next step.  I'm maxed out on the Zoloft and have at least 2 bumps available on the Wellbutrin.  It would make sense to bump up the Wellbutrin.  Or add a third medication, fourth actually if you include the "as needed" Ativan. 

I want to ask to drop the Wellbutrin and see how I do without it.  Since I feel that it might be doing more harm than good, it's a logical step to me.  Besides, the less medication I am on, the better in my opinion.  I have no clue if this will be an option but I'm going to ask. 

Cost of Wellbutrin is up to $32.89 for 30 tabs.  That is more than double the price of my last refill.  I just don't get it.  My Zoloft price remained the same at $22.90 for 60 tabs.  Both are still less than the market price for someone without insurance and/or a prescription card.  I'll take it. 

Racing thoughts

It's been one of those nights that actually started as one of those days. Thursdays are the weekly get together I have with Li and Lo. We chat witchy stuff, discuss life, share our problems and just bond as friends.

I didn't go.

I was "sick".

Sick is in quotation marks because while I honestly didn't feel well, I wasn't physically sick. I didn't have a cold or the flu or any sort of stomach ailment. I didn't have a migraine or a broken leg or a sore throat

But I was "sick".

I was having problems with my depression and anxiety. I'm feeling incredibly anxious about this weekend since my mom and step dad will be here Friday and my father-in-law will be here later Friday night to spend the weekend with us. Neither are really things that should stress me out but I am feeling overwhelmed.

Because of those feelings, I slipped into protection and preparation mode. I slept. A lot. I did what I could to mentally prepare for the weekend while also striving not to focus on it too much. I tried my best to calm myself and be okay, but it was too much.

Perhaps it wasn't too much but it was more than I could handle and still go to spend time with two of my best friends. My "sickness" interfered with my life and with something I enjoy and look forward to.

Now it's just after 3:00 am and I cannot settle. Part of that can probably be blamed on the extra sleep I got today. But it's mostly because my mind is racing with thoughts and scenarios and stuff.

I am thinking about bills that I need to pay but am completely oblivious to how much money we have right now. I'm pondering menus and sleeping arrangements for the weekend but am not making any lists. Basically, I am focussing and obsessing but taking absolutely no action.

Being aware of that, one would think that I would start to take some action.

But I don't.

Can't.